Notes: The Christian Family Conference 2010 (Part 8)

My wife, oldest daughter and I attended the Christian Family Conference in Denver this past week. It was an amazing time of encouragement with other Christian parents – most of whom are devoted to homeschooling and home-training their children to be godly men and women, prepared to take on the world with a multi-generational vision. I’m posting some of the notes I took from the conference sessions. Some are sure to fly in the face of the traditions and cultures which most people would consider normal in today’s culture. But these men who spoke to us used the Scriptures, and their lives and the lives of their children are a testament to their integrity and boldness on these topics. Their words motivate me to continue to raise my children in a radical, counter-culture, God-fearing way.

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Another one from Voddie Baucham’s book, What He Must Be…If He Wants To Marry My Daughter. I have to say, most people in our society will view Voddie’s points as “old-fashioned” or behind the times. But if these principles are truly laid out by God – who never changes (1 Samuel 15:29, Malachi 3:6) – then they are as timeless as He is. So why are we often led to believe that the principles of dating, discipleship, fatherhood, and character must change as our society does?

“The Four P’s” by Voddie Baucham

Any boy who approaches me with the idea of marrying my daughter must understand these four principles of husbandhood, fatherhood, and leader:

· Priest – represents his people before God – 1 Peter 3:7 – the father or young man needs to walk with God and be on his knees in prayer on his family’s behalf

· Prophet – represents God before his people – Ephesians 5:25-27, 6:1-4 – handle the Word accurately – does the young man know how to view the Word and use it? (Note – this question is not, “Does he agree with me on every single Biblical topic?” Some things may come with time, while some are mandatory up-front)

· Provider – makes sure his people have what they need – 1 Timothy 5:8, 11-14, 2 Thessalonians 3:6-12, Colossians 3:22, Proverbs 6:5-11, 1Thessalonians 4:10-12 – the suitor needs to have a job, a work ethic, and needs to know how to handle money – just remember, he probably won’t look like upper-middle class at age 20, and that’s okay – place expectations of sense and ethics on the boy, not acquired wealth by age 20

· Protector – puts himself between his people and those that would harm them – Nehemiah 4:14 – notice that “husbands” are left out of this list in the verse, because they are the ones doing the protecting

· The man who is a protector needs to be three things – 1) a man of personal strength, 2) a man of wisdom, and not a fool, 3) a man of courage, and not a coward

· The difference between a protector and a poacher? Consider the young man who wants to express an interest in your daughter. The one who secretly dates your daughter for two years and then approaches you asking for her hand is like a hunter who drags an elk out of the woods and goes in search of the game warden to request a hunting tag after the kill. But a young man who is truly concerned with your daughter’s heart will approach you, the father, before even letting the girl know that he has an interest (after observing her from afar) – because he is looking after her heart and her long-term best interest. A boy who does that is a true protector. (I have to say, the first time I heard Voddie say this, I thought it was a bit idealistic. But after thinking on it, I realize that a young man like that is exactly what I would want for my daughters – it is not too lofty a goal. This goes along with the post on dating I’ll be publishing shortly.)

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Notes: The Christian Family Conference 2010 (Part 7)

My wife, oldest daughter and I attended the Christian Family Conference in Denver this past week. It was an amazing time of encouragement with other Christian parents – most of whom are devoted to homeschooling and home-training their children to be godly men and women, prepared to take on the world with a multi-generational vision. I’m posting some of the notes I took from the conference sessions. Some are sure to fly in the face of the traditions and cultures which most people would consider normal in today’s culture. But these men who spoke to us used the Scriptures, and their lives and the lives of their children are a testament to their integrity and boldness on these topics. Their words motivate me to continue to raise my children in a radical, counter-culture, God-fearing way.

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This talk was lifted from Voddie Baucham’s book, What He Must Be…If He Wants To Marry My Daughter. In it, he presents the high expectations that Christian fathers should have for their wife’s spouse. Society today would think these to be radical and even controlling. But, like Voddie, I am not willing to compromise on this point.

“A Father’s Role” by Voddie Baucham

· The crisis today has been caused by the fact that most of our parents didn’t do marriage well, didn’t teach us to do it well, and so we aren’t doing it well, nor are we teaching our children. Like most parents today, we are just praying and hoping that our children “find a good one”. But there is a more active role that can be played.

· “Practice doesn’t make perfect, practice makes permanent”

· The Bible is not silent on the issue of a father’s responsibility – to his family, and specifically to his daughters and sons.

· A Father’s Responsibility to His Family:

· The Old Testament is full of fatherly responsibilities – food, shelter, clothing, rest (the fourth commandment), defending the household, remembering Israel’s history, etc.

· And in the New Testament – model a personal commitment to Christ, provide for the family (1 Timothy 5:8), lead and disciple his wife (Ephesians 6:26), his children (Ephesians 6:1-4), and to lead the family in prayer (1 Peter 3:7)

· A Father’s Responsibility to His Daughter:

· Protect his daughter from male predators and bringing her to her husband as a virgin (Exodus 22:16-17, Deuteronomy 22:20-21)

· Provide a dowry (Genesis 29:24, 29)

· Provide for her by finding a suitable husband and making proper arrangements (Genesis 29:15-20)

· Consider this – in modern weddings, when the minister asks who gives the bride in marriage, it is most often heard “Her mother and I do” from the father. But this practice only came into popularity at the wedding of President Lyndon Johnson’s daughter at the White House in 1960, when LBJ was counseled to say it in order to keep the feminist vote on his side. Before 1960, that standard practice was for the father to respond to the question with, “I do”. Has our society watered down the Biblical, prominent role of the father in the raising of his daughters? Unfortunately, yes.

· Protect our daughters from rash vows (Numbers 30:3-5) – in this verse, the father’s decision can override a daughter’s vow – we don’t just say, “Oh well, it’s her life” – consider this when asked to attend the wedding if you disapprove of the person your child has chosen to marry – that’s a tough, tough lesson to learn – the best thing is to train and monitor what happens before this happens in order to avoid the situation altogether

· Some things that make us miss the pious life – we are 1) ignorant, 2) indifferent, 3) idolatrous, and 4) independent – instead of being pious and living for God, we live for ourselves

· We can only overcome the “four I’s” above with God’s help, if we go back to God’s Word, and if we obey what he says

· “Dating” recommendations – our daughters shouldn’t be dating in the sense that our society approves today – the current dating model is unbiblical and takes the place of the role of the father-daughter relationship. What is the Biblical model? 1) Model a life for your daughter to imitate, 2) teach your daughter God’s principles, 3) protect your daughter from harm, 4) get your daughter in the proximity of the right young men (and out of the company of the wrong ones)

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(I have already written a future post about the “dating” rules in our household – they are far more conservative than our society dictates, but I believe they are scriptural – coming soon - Alan)

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Teaching The Sanctity of a Promise

I must admit that I am bothered when people don’t keep their promises to me. It may be something as important as honoring a debt, or something as small as the appliance repairman showing up when promised. But if someone gives me their word and then fails to keep it, I am not the most forgiving of people. I promise to work on that! Recently, I had the opportunity to reflect on the importance of keeping promises, and how critical it is that we teach our children about the sanctity of a marriage vow.

During a vacation where our family retreated to a desert condo for a week, we occasionally endured the banality of cable television and the constant assault of ridiculous commercials. I could write more about what I think of cable TV, but will reserve that for another time. While we spent very little time watching television during our vacation, there was one repetitive commercial worth noting. Specifically, this advertisement was encouraging people to trade in their gold jewelry to be melted down, in exchange for quick payment. One satisfied customer commented, “I traded in the wedding ring from my first marriage, and got cash the next day!”

Wow…

That quote contains the essence of our society’s latest attitude toward the institution of marriage. It’s summed up in one succinct sound-bite, and it speaks volumes. I’m saddened at how the advertisers can cheapen marriage to this degree. I’m even more disappointed that society seems to think little or nothing about such a statement. Would this advertisement have caused an uproar if it had been released on television fifty years ago? I think it would have, and for all the right reasons.

I recognize that there are people out there who have been through divorce and re-marriage. And I genuinely appreciate that it is heart-wrenching for all parties involved. Even when people talk flippantly about their former marriages, I believe that they hurt deep down inside over the pain – because God made marriage to be something more than just “teaming up” with someone. It’s a very special union – intimate and sacred – because He wanted it to be that way. And so I want you to know that I don’t comment on the subject in judgment on anyone personally, but as a comment about our society and how we collectively are made to think that marriage is nothing special.

The best part of this story is how much this commercial bothered my eleven-year-old son. Every time we saw it, he became indignant. To him, the irreverence for a lasting marriage was more than distasteful. He actually appeared angry about the commercial and continued to talk about it for a long time afterward. I know that my wife and I have talked occasionally with our children about the institution of marriage, and how they should pick a spouse, but I did not know how much it had affected their views. I’m pleased to see my son so deeply cut when someone mentions marriage in a cheap and demeaning way. Could a vow to remain true for life ever be satisfied in exchange for cash money? Is it possible that people are hurting over failed marriages far more than they would admit?

Let me share one tip with anyone who is married and has children of an impressionable age. One thing that my wife and I have always done and remain faithful over is our treatment of the mere mention of divorce. While I have never even thought fleetingly about a divorce from by beloved bride, we maintain a strict policy in our house. We will never mention divorce even in a joking way – not in front of the kids and not to each other. To us, the sanctity of marriage is at work one-hundred-percent of the time. We never let our guard down on this topic. We never casually even mention the word in our house, and the few times that our kids have done so, we stop what we are doing and talk to them about our rule, and why we maintain it. Judging by our son’s response to the television ad, it seems to be working. I pray that his marriage will be blessed by this developing attitude. A marriage vow is far more than a casual promise.