For My Daughter, On Her Sixteenth Birthday

My oldest daughter, Molly Michele, turns sixteen on this day. The words that I had to say to her at her birthday party were extremely easy to write…
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It’s hard to believe that we are celebrating your sixteenth year already.

The days of “Train up a child”, “Don’t let anyone look down on you in your youth”, and “Spare the rod and spoil the child” are almost behind us. Now, you are approaching the stage of living as the Proverbs 31 woman. Instead of needing daily instruction and encouragement, you are becoming a frequent source of those things for others.

As my oldest child, it is a wonder for me to see you move from the various stages of needing to be taught how to pour milk on your cereal, how to study your Bible, or even how to drive. You are now able to learn things and make discoveries on your own. You can learn and create and be an encouragement to others without being told to do so. You are self-sustaining.

I see this in your daily walk, in how you treat and unselfishly serve others, and in the things that you write. For example, you have written this in your blog:

"I know how hard it is to stay positive all the time, but that is definitely something my generation needs to work on. There is a hole inside each of us that begs to be filled with something. You may choose to fill it with electronics or clothes, but Jesus is the only thing that will fulfill you completely. Choose to be content with what you have so that you may radiate the joy of Christ in everything you do. Although happiness lasts only moments, God’s joy will last forever."

And you also wrote:

"Please understand that because someone calls you a teen does not mean that you have to act like it. Our generation needs to raise the expectations of our world so that we can make a difference for God in everything we do. Make the decision to break the barrier of low expectations so that you can do great things for Jesus now, without having to wait until you are an adult. God does not care if you are 14 or 65…He created you to do big things now."

These are the words of a young woman who is maturing in Christ.

Finally, the gathering of well-wishers at your surprise party is a witness to your life so far. Your fan club is not simply made up of young people of your own age. Since you were very young, you were comfortable with adults of all ages, as well as with toddlers and newborns. Your life has touched many people already, and you are able to socialize, and love and be loved by people of all ages. You know that this sometimes makes you “different” from the average teen, but I believe that you are brave and fully accepting of that role. I want you to know – your mother and I want exactly that reputation for you. It’s not always easy, and it’s not necessarily the world’s view of a popular lifestyle, but you have become a godly young woman. Know this – you are exactly the sixteen year-old daughter that I always dreamed of having.

I love you so very much, Molly. Watching you grow up thrills me and breaks my heart at the same time. It breaks my heart because I love each stage that you have gone through and I often want to simply freeze time so I can enjoy you where you are at forever. But it thrills me because I believe that God continues to have great plans for your life. You are so special – I can’t wait to see where He will lead you next. I love you.

The Danger of Not Letting Them Go (Part 3 – When To Let Your Kids Go)

For some reason, this subject has been heavy on my heart lately. I have prayed daily for wisdom about whether or not to write about it – and for God to reveal His truth to me on the topic. I have many dear friends who are school teachers, public school parents, or who may simply disagree with the amount of protection that I give to my own children. The answer to the question “When should I let my kids go out into the world?” is not the same for every child or family. There is no easy formula. But for those who have children and who want to see them glorify God in their lives when they leave the nest, let me just say this – this is one thing that you don’t want to get wrong.

I plan to cover this topic in three segments:

1) The Big Test
2) The “Salt and Light” Argument
3) The Danger of Not Letting Them Go

Whether you agree or not – I encourage comments. I especially encourage other viewpoints when they are accompanied by scripture. Believe me when I say that this was written under prayerful circumstances, and with no accusing finger pointed at anyone. Really.
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The year was 1982, and I walked into my high-school literature class with my Bible and a few things to say. I was fortunate enough to be in the Advanced Placement class where we were encouraged to debate and argue over what we believed. I was often at odds with many in the class and, more importantly, with the class teacher, who was a devout atheist. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the discussions we had, because they were very lively and forced me to carefully research why I believed what I did.

On this one occasion, I was especially excited, because we had been having a discussion about morality and where the general feelings of right and wrong had originated. Since we were always reading from various pieces of literature to make a point, I thought reading from some select passages in Romans 1 would serve to demonstrate my side of the story, and make some people think about what God had to say on the matter.

I was wrong.

As the discussion progressed, I commented that I had some thoughts on the subject from the Bible. The teacher became very animated and refused to let me continue. She let it be known that I was not allowed to read from the Bible in her class, and that I was to never return with it again in my hands. Any other book was acceptable to argue the point with, but the Bible was not allowed. For the moment, I was crushed. No one came to my defense. I remember going for a week after that in silence in class. Without the Scriptures to refer to, anything I had to say would have simply been an opinion. To me, the class was simply “pooling ignorance”, adrift without a solid reference point on which to take hold. I thought I had lost. But you need to read to the end of this post to discover the real finish to this story.

I was raised in both a family and in a strict church environment which impressed upon me the importance of the Bible and the need be prepared to debate and argue for the truth. This upbringing readied me at a fairly early age to defend Christ and holy living. By high school, I was ready to accept bitterness, criticism, and even rejection from others without the possibility of losing the moral compass that guided me. My parents and a strong church family were responsible for this. But before this point, I don’t think I was ready to stand up to the abuse.

Proverbs 22:6 does not say, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is six he will not turn from it.” As I’ve pointed out previously, somewhere between the ages of two and thirty-five, there lies an age when a child is ready to independently go forth and defend the Christian faith. The age of maturity differs for each child (for some, it may indeed be six, though I think that is rare). Prior to that point, there is a danger that the world will have a mitigating effect on the child’s own moral compass. It is the duty of the Christian parent to be sure that they provide guidance, training and protection until that independent point is reached.

There is a popular phrase which goes like this, “That which does not kill you makes you stronger.” I respectfully disagree. There is an insidious design in Satan’s plan in which we are sometimes led to believe that getting close to evil, and then escaping it, is somehow more desirable than to never have been close to evil at all. The more desirable path for training is to keep our children away from evil to start with, without the need to later untangle the effects of sin (Proverbs 1:8, 6:23, and especially 23:19) . C. S. Lewis, in the preface to The Great Divorce, put it this way:

“I do not think that all who choose wrong roads perish; but their rescue consists in being put back on the right road. A sum can be put right: but only by going back till you find the error and working it afresh from that point, never by simply going on. Evil can be undone, but it cannot ‘develop’ into good. Time does not heal it.”

There are pictures and words in my head today which I cannot get rid of because of exposure to movies and conversations in my youth. These things are seemingly indelible on my mind – no amount of time or prayer seems to cure me of the exposure to them. It is a constant struggle to turn away from temptation, or remind myself to refrain from anger when I’m pushed too hard. I would have been better off if I had never had the experiences to begin with. And this drives my desire to shelter and protect my own children from the subtle influence of the world.

But…there comes a time when I believe we are called upon to send our children out – well-prepared – to defend the faith. The fact is this – the world is a lost and broken place, and it needs Jesus. And Matthew 5 does call upon us to be a light to the world, a city on a hill that cannot be hidden. The danger of not letting our children go forth to be that shining light is that the world may never see God’s salvation through them. Their wise and matured example is part of God’s plan, as we see in Daniel 12:3,

“Those who are wise will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever.”

This has the effect of changing the world and us, as stated in 2 Corinthians 3:18,

“And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

Our example may even carry past our own life on this earth, as is seen with Abel in Hebrews 11:4,

“By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did. By faith he was commended as a righteous man, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead.”

To conclude the opening story - ten years after that disappointing moment in high school, I attended a class reunion. One of the most meaningful events of my life happened that evening when one of my old classmates approached me and told me, “I just want you to know how much I appreciate the stand you took on the Bible in our high school classes. I remember it well. And I’m happy to tell you that I have given my life to Christ since that time, and your Christian example had something to do with it.”

As I’ve stated before, this series is about effective, deliberate parenting. God has invested us, as parents, with the responsibility to take care that our children are trained, protected, and ready to serve Him in powerful ways. Guarding their lives from worldly influence will make them stronger. Yes, much good has been done by people who were rescued from evil lives – those who repented, and then chose to serve God in mighty ways (the apostle Paul was a good example). But many more people throughout history were not able to climb out of the pit of sin that entrapped them once they fell in. I encourage Christian parents everywhere to purposefully choose the best and most God-honoring path for their children. That path is not the same for every child – God’s plan is far more textured and complex than a simple list of rights and wrongs. I pledge to be diligent in prayer for God to reveal His plan to our families, and for our light to shine, ultimately, in the most powerful way for Him.

Teenagers Don’t Have To Be Immature

We live in the age of the teenager. Entire businesses and marketing campaigns are designed around the teen years. Kids look forward to this period because many believe that it is a time for “sowing wild oats” and getting out from under their parents’ oversight.

Believe it or not, the word teenager is much less than a century old. The word “teenage” was first observed in the 1920’s, and “teenager” didn’t appear until the late 1930’s. The word “teenager” entered the mainstream when it appeared in a 1941 article in Reader’s Digest and has made progressively more appearance in everyday language.

It’s not so much the language or the word that is meaningful , but more the “concept” of the teenager. Before 1920, people were thought of only as children or adults. There was not a third life stage to be considered. A child worked with his or her parents to learn and mature, and would one day become an adult – no in-between mode of rebelliousness was expected (rebellion surely happened in certain cases, but it was not a given that children would experience this). The Bible supports this two-tiered thinking.

Does our society now expect a period of defiance in our children? Do we think it’s a good thing, and that it’s just part of the maturing process? Without a doubt, there are some children who have gone through this period and come out stronger and as better human beings on the other side. And I detect a distinct expectation from some parents that their children must go through a disobedient, disrespectful phase in order to learn life lessons that are necessary for maturity. But I don’t believe it.

Simply put, we should not expect that our children will go through a phase of rebellion. It is not only possible for them to avoid this trap, it is a desirable thing, and one that every parent should pray for. By expecting such a phase in our young adults, we give in to the lie that “teenage rebellion is acceptable” and pass on to our children a permission slip to do wrong. In some cases, these children will not recover from the temptations and addictions that await them in this very formative period. It is better that our children are taught to see this period for what it really is – a retreat from necessary parental guidance and oversight.

History records some fine examples of men and women who progressed from childhood to adulthood, with no intermediate stopover. Alexander the Great became a ruling regent when he was only sixteen. Joan of Arc led armies to victory and brilliantly defended her faith before the age of nineteen. Goliath looked down on David and “saw that he was only a boy”, but Goliath would be dead only a few minutes later, killed by that very youth. When looking at the historical account of David’s life, I see no evidence of rebellion or disrespect to his father – only that he obeyed his father and proceeded to do great things, even though he was very young.

It is my expectation from my own children that they move from childhood to adulthood without the rebellion that often occurs in between. My oldest is now fifteen, and for those of you who know her, you can witness that she obeys and respects her parents, while still progressing into the period of maturity and adulthood. I’ve had many talks with her about this very subject. “Don’t be an immature teenager just because others around you think it’s okay. Don’t disrespect your parents, even in private circles away from home, merely because you see others engaging in that practice. And start doing great things for God and others, right now, because you have the maturity to go straight to adulthood.” Paul summed up the parent’s message perfectly in 1 Timothy 4:11-12 – “Command and teach these things. Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.”

The “teenage years” are a relatively new concept in history. In less than a hundred years, our society has moved from the viewpoint of expecting maturity at an early age to one of catering to teenage immaturity and encouraging reckless experimentation. I’d rather reverse this trend and go back to the days when expectations were higher for young people. As a parent, I believe it’s possible to bring our children to adulthood without giving in to irresponsible behavior.

Dealing With Some Political Injustice

I’ve never been a big bumper sticker promoter. I never wear t-shirts that state a political viewpoint. And I rarely put out political yard signs during election season. It’s not that I don’t care about politics; it’s that I see little need to advertise my beliefs publicly. I doubt many people cast their vote for a candidate because of a sticker that they saw on someone’s car.

But this year, my three children are old enough to appreciate the gravity of the political situation and they have been paying attention to the daily news and polls, and how the candidates may affect their futures. So it was no surprise to me that they spent two hours last Sunday afternoon making their own homemade “McCain-Palin” sign to post in our front yard. I gave them some long garden stakes to which they could attach it, and they proudly set it up in the yard. While they are not old enough to vote, they suddenly felt like part of the political process – something that I encourage. And while it was colorful and bold, it was also clearly the work of elementary children who were proud to display their belief.

So imagine our surprise when we woke up two mornings later to find that someone had spray-painted the word “Obama” over their artwork, ruining the sign. The faces of my kids were so sad when they saw this vandalism. It was the first experience they have ever had of someone directly disrespecting their property. It made me sad to see their loss of innocence over this event.

Our family gathered together to talk specifically about the defacement of their sign, and what we could learn from it. While their first reaction was some anger over the event, they began to ask questions about the sense of this act. Don’t these people see that they are violating our free speech? Don’t they have some remorse over entering our private property and vandalizing our sign? Don’t they realize that writing “Obama” on our homemade sign is more likely to drive people away from supporting him as a candidate? I was most proud when one of my children said that we should pray for the person or people who committed the act, in hopes that they might realize their wrong. We did and we all decided that the right thing to do was to make another sign, and park our anger over the loss of the first. A new homemade sign graced our lawn the next day.

Two days later, the same spray paint showed up on their new sign. By the looks of it, we believe it’s likely the work of other kids or teens in our neighborhood. My children’s first reaction was to start writing the words for their next sign. They won’t be suppressed, and they refuse to be angry about it.

But a part of me burns over the injustice. They destroyed artwork created by my own children. Would we not be upset if someone ripped up a picture painted by a first grader that was hanging on the family refrigerator? Wouldn’t we be angry if a stranger smashed the little pottery planter brought home from school by an eight-year-old? Shouldn’t I be able to reserve some judgment for people who would destroy my children’s art and suppress their free speech?

That was my first reaction. But my children’s own example made me think twice about it, because there is something greater to be thankful for in this true story. The vandals are not my children. My children are the ones who are learning to respect the opinion and property of others, and who will keep their anger in check when they are treated unfairly. Knowing this, my own anger fades away, because I have something far more valuable than that first homemade sign in our yard. I have a father’s pride for obedient and respectful children, who will possibly grow up one day to govern with those same principles.

By the way, here is their next response…